


Canon John in the Fanon Universe

by BeepBeepMeow



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-12
Updated: 2014-06-13
Packaged: 2018-02-04 08:20:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1772179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeepBeepMeow/pseuds/BeepBeepMeow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which a perfectly normal John enters an alternate universe full of extreme exaggeration and two-dimensional caricatures of the people he loves</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dave seems more obnoxious than usual which is a great feat in and of itself

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah so I'm doing this from my iPad, so sorry about any mistakes and whatnot. Feel free to constructively criticize. This is my first ever fanfic so it's a given that it's gonna suck a little.
> 
> This is gonna be a viewer fueled work, so at the end, you vote for what happens next. If you don't see an option you like, just comment what you'd like to happen next.

Your name is John Egbert, and something is seriously wrong with everyone you know.   
You're not sure when this happened or when you noticed, no wait, you're really sure, extremely sure even. Because seriously, how could you not notice? But you're getting ahead of yourself, so you guess you'll tell everything from the beginning.

Like around 3 days ago or something

You wake up abruptly from a reoccurring dream(you know, the one where Angelina Jolie and you are making out on a beach resort but then the boulder from Indiana Jones comes rolling in and they end up together and you're just alone with your fruity drink and sad boner). Groaning and half asleep, you see your phone vibrating and lighting up like mad. You grab it, about to shut it off when you see the notifications. It turns out someone has been sending you shit loads of messages via Pesterchum. And that someone is Dave. You unlock it to see the said shit load of messages. You hope it's something urgent like a fire or a surprise amputation because if not, you're gonna kill him for interrupting your sleep the next time you see him.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: egderp  
TG: yo egman  
TG: johnathan nancy egburrito  
TG: i just invented the sickest thing you will ever see, hear, smell, touch, or taste  
TG: apple juice dorito smoothie  
TG: its the most delicious and ironic thing this world will ever see  
TG: it tastes like unicorn jesus tears  
TG: why are you not answering so you can experience euphoria   
TG: come on man  
TG: this euphoria is fedora-free  
TG: i promise  
EB: dude i was sleeping is that disgusting sounding drink really important  
EB: also that is the first and last time you will ever call me egderp  
TG: its 2 in the pm john and ive always called you that  
TG: you still half asleep or something egderp  
TG: anyway just come over you have to try it  
TG: im gonna pull a 2nd grade on you   
TG: so come over or i wont be friends with you  
EB: dave chill out ill ask my dad  
EB: be right back

ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

You put your phone down and groan again. You're really not in the mood to leave your bed, but Dave isn't the type to leave someone alone. Also, Dave seems more annoying than usual and you don't feel like putting up with that. Pulling the covers off and standing up, you take a look around your room. Weird, all your posters have been replaced with Nic Cage movie posters. What happened to Deep Impact and Armageddon? You don't even see Failure to Launch. Only Con Air and Ghostbusters. Even weirder, there are about ten copies of each all around the room. Which is seriously not pretty to look at, no matter how much you loved those movies as a kid. Well whatever, probably the work of Jane or your dad. You don't mind a good prank, but they usually respect personal space, like bedrooms. It's really tempting to just tell Dave your dad said you couldn't go out, since today just seems like a good Saturday to sleep and dick around on the internet. 

What do you do?

==> go to Dave's   
==> stay in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes well thank you for reading and stuff. Chapter 1 has been edited a bit to make more sense. Next installment will come no later than like Monday. So stay tuned for more of John being horrified and annoyed with the shitty copies of his friends


	2. When did Karkat get even more shouty than usual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cake and Sarah Jessica Parker. That's about it.

==> John: stay in

You decide to stay in, Dave sounds too much like a pissy baby today and you'd rather not deal with that. Apple juice dorito smoothies sounds horrid and disgusting anyway. You look at the clock on your phone, it is indeed 2 in the pm. 2:54 to be exact. Feeling as if you're forgetting something, you just shrug it off. Probably not important. Cause come on, you wouldn't forget something important, like the new episode of Hawaii Five-0 on CBS, or your Nanna's birthday. Your finger hovers over the Pesterchum app on your phone, ready to lie to your best bro's face, or screen you guess, before you put it down again. Dave was acting too annoying and he'd probably talk to you more if you messaged him. 

Just then, a knock comes from the door. Fuck. Now you remember, it's movie day with Karkat. You finally remember planning this when you both argued about which genre was better, action or romance. Putting on a hoodie quickly, you open your bedroom door, about to head downstairs to the living room so you can open the door Okay, something is definitely wrong with your house. Either that or this whole day has been nothing but pranks.

Cakes are everywhere. Literally everywhere. And not just cakes, but pies, cookies, brownies, cupcakes, and pretty much any flour-related dessert you can think of. If it's like this in the second floor hallway, you shudder with the thought of what it's like in the kitchen. You're still in awe though. When did your dad bake all this? Your nap was only about an hour and a half long. Did he have help from Jane? Or did he just buy all of this to prank you? He's never gone this far before. This was just ridiculous and a huge waste of money. Trying to walk around everything to just get to the goddamned door, you narrowly miss stepping into a beautifully decorated "It's a girl!" cookie-pizza. 

You finally make it to the door that's been knocked on rapidly for the better part of your cake-monologue. Opening it, you see the grouchy, short person sulking in a huge black hoodie that you know and love. But he seemed different, more angry and shorter than when you last saw him. Weird. 

"Hey, fuckass. It's about time you opened that fucking door. I've been here knocking for like 20 fucking minutes you bulgemuncher." He complains as he steps into your house, walking over the various pastries and sweets like he'd done it lots of times. Which you don't get since this is the first time that _cake has been everywhere_

Sitting on your couch, he slouches and takes out a huge amount of movies from a backpack he brought.

"Okay, so I have every fucking Sarah Jessica Parker movie ever. Including all of Sex and the City. Once we're done with all of this, I guess we can watch Con Air or something. Then we can decide which movie genre is better. Which is obviously mine because I'm not a dumb fuckass like you when it comes to movies." He says as he puts in the first movie, which happens to be Failure to Launch. 

Sitting down yourself, you shrug, "Dude, Failure to Launch is a damned good movie. Although it's really only Matthew McConaughey that makes it good. So I can't argue with you there."

He looks at you and sputters, "You, watch something other than Nic Cage movies? Yeah right, fuckass. Everyone and their lusus knows Nic is your thing. The only movie I fucking remember you watching besides that piece of shit called Con Air is Ghostbusters, which is equally as shitty."

You look at him weirdly, "Um Karkat, I actually hate Con Air now. Yeah, it was pretty cool when I was like 13, but I grew up and realized it was pretty fucking horrible... I even remember telling you because you and Dave were oddly proud of me. How can you not remember that?"

"John, you fuckass bulgemuncher, you can't NOT like Con Air. Come on, it's a thing I constantly fucking bring up and hold over your dumb head. That's the way things fucking are. Don't mess with the natural order of things." 

Ok, what the hell? You're seriously getting annoyed. First Dave, then the posters, the cake, and now Karkat. Is today just "Let's all be mean and annoying to John" day? Because if it is, you wished you marked your calendar so you knew not to get out of bed. Why is everyone acting annoying and exaggerated? You're about to blow a fuse, you're getting so annoyed. 

What do you do?  
==> blow a goddamn fuse  
==> conceal, don't feel. Don't let them knooooooow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy belated Karkat Day, fuckasses. I'm sure it's still Karkat Day somewhere though.


End file.
